The meaning of life in Anubism
Dear Adepts, more than once on this blog we have stopped to reflect on how important it is to cut down the ballbusting...
by The Prophet — 2026-01-15
1 To close this series of bullshit great revelations, the Prophet owes an answer to the many adepts who have asked what, in the light of the Teachings, the meaning of life is.
2 So the Prophet has to answer, fully aware that he risks busting your divine spheres.
3 As already mentioned, the Anubist knows he is nothing but a chance meeting between a sperm and an egg, and that his “end” is to become food for worms and/or fertiliser.
4 The only thing the Anubist's life strives for is the happiness that comes from the enlightenment of the Dog God and from the absence of ballbusting.
5 Many disciples, however, found this a bit thin, so a deeper discussion was called for.
6 Philosophy may well have been born “great” (to quote the Italian philosopher
7 Emanuele Severino) in ancient Greece, rejecting “myths” and setting against them the search for “incontrovertible truth”, but it still suffers from a serious limit.
8 However fascinating and undeniably brilliant the so-called “Presocratics” are, they share the limit of hiding the search for the meaning of life behind the search for truth.
9 Whenever the science of the day and their learned musings could not explain something, out popped the divine.
10 Grand Master Andrea, like a good Anubist, put it this way: “For the love of Anubis!
11 The second they couldn't explain something they dragged in some fucking God!”
12 Though they rejected popular beliefs, and so criticised society, many of them were trying to give a meaning to life, or to death.
13 The fear of death, however enlightened, was still behind most of what drove them.
14 Every religion uses the innate fear of death to manage human beings.
15 Religions tell you that if you do what “they” tell you, you'll be a big shot once you're dead.
16 Heaps of virgins to mate with, Paradises, reincarnation into better beings, giant acorns (see
17 Ice Age) are just some of the most popular promises.
18 Once you're the main course for the worms, you won't be able to tell anyone it was all a load of crap.
19 Ideologies, for their part, try to give your life a meaning so that you temporarily forget your fear of death.
20 You live hating the richer, the more educated, the poorer, whoever is different in language, skin colour, sex, religion, habits and customs.
21 You give your life a meaning based on otherness, without noticing that the worms are tucking their napkins in and laying the table.
22 Once you have become dinner, all your hatred will only have served to poison the lives of the unlucky people who knew you (your children included).
23 And here, in all its enlightenment, Anubistic logic appears: don't wear yourself out, you'll be worm food anyway, and by the sad law of poetic justice the harder you struggle to escape death, the sooner death will catch you.
24 If you wear yourself out following what religions have imposed on you, you won't really live, and death will come quickly because you haven't lived.
25 If you wear yourself out following your ideology, death will come quickly because living in hatred is bad for your health.
26 You will easily guess that the Prophet wants to draw your attention to a concept well described in the “Anubistic theorem on the length of life”: “The length of a life is not the difference between the date of death and the date of birth, but the difference between the hours of life enjoyed and the hours spent having your divine spheres busted”.
27 One corollary is: “It is not death you should fear, but not-life”.
28 The meaning of life in Anubism can be summed up very easily in one command: “Live free!”.
29 Realising that even this is too simple, the Prophet will make a further effort to explain the concept, though in an Anubistically ball-shattering way.
30 Life does not exist; what exists is the sum of the days, hours or minutes in which you do whatever you damn well please.
31 Try breaking your day down into the hours in which you exist: hours for sleeping, washing, dressing, eating, tidying the house, working, looking after children, relatives, insurance, car tax, the residents' meeting, and defending yourself against everyone who, from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed, is only trying to screw you out of your money (your life's time).
32 Done? Good.
33 Now give a value to every hour you live.
34 Set the neutral hours to zero (for example, sleeping), “price” an hour of ballbusting as negative (for example, arguing with your mother-in-law), and an hour of fun as positive (for example, a lovely bagpipe concert), or anything that gives tomorrow a meaning.
35 “Price” the hour that gives tomorrow a meaning carefully, because you might not wake up tomorrow, and the day after end up on the famous menu.
36 Let us introduce the value AQL, that is Anubistic Quality of Life: AQL equals the algebraic sum of the value of every hour lived in a given day.
37 In short, AQL = AF (Anubistic Fun) – BB (Ballbusting).
38 Anubistic quality of life equals the difference in weight between fun and ballbusting.
39 Now, if your AQL is zero or slightly positive with minimal variance, you are at peace... if your AQL is negative, what the fuck are you living for?
40 If your AQL is positive, you've fiddled the data...
41 (Anubistic irony on the AQL.)
42 If you have managed to turn your hobby into your job, or vice versa (“vice versa” deserves some Anubistic meditation), your AQL might be positive, but the Prophet wants to draw your attention to two things: however far your career goes, however “important” you become, when you end up on the “worms' table” someone else will take your place, and you will quickly fade from the minds of those who knew you.
43 The company you work for will carry on exactly as before, and even if it closes, absolutely nothing will change.
44 You are still one eight-billionth of the humans on Earth today; however much “money” you make, that is, however much “currency of exchange” you pile up, what matters is that you want to exchange it, regardless of any need to “compensate”.
45 What matters is that you have a way to spend that money on something that gives you great pleasure, not just throw it away to give it a meaning, and your job along with it.
46 The Prophet has busted your sacred spheres enough, so it is time to wrap up.
47 As already stated, the Anubist shuns every attempt at “making himself eternal”, but since every religion offers something, we might as well come up with something too.
48 Given that life doesn't mean a hound's dick, what allows the Anubist to give life at least a minimum of meaning?
49 1) Affection.
50 Stretching the second precept (don't bust anyone's balls), we can add caring for each other a little.
51 The God Anubis is a Dog, and as such he stands first of all for what humans call man's best friend, and the most affectionate.
52 (Anubis still minds his own fucking business, we are only talking about how he is portrayed.)
53 It follows, though, that the only thing Anubism holds to be destined to last for ever is affection.
54 When you have done someone a kindness, helped someone, listened, made someone feel safe or simply cared for them, you have given something first to yourself and then to others.
55 2) Knowledge.
56 The other essential thing, while you wait to become an Anubistic main course, is to study.
57 Study everything, and then some.
58 Only by studying will you avoid pointless barking.
59 Only by studying can you help others grow, and that, more than anything, is what lets you leave a memory behind.
60 Helping others grow is one of the Grand Master's goals in life, precisely because he knows that it is the greatest gift he can give to himself and to others.
61 3) Humility.
62 Let us introduce the last, forever unprovable, Anubistic theorem: life and the arse.
63 It states: “Never take yourself too seriously.
64 Life is already one colossal piss-take, but take yourself too seriously and you risk getting it, quite literally, up the arse”.
65 The Enlightened therefore faces every “thing” in life with great humility.
66 Together, these three recommendations will allow the Anubist to pass on something useful with kindness and humility, stirring interest and curiosity in others, and with them personal growth.
67 Only in this way can the Anubist go beyond his “end”: by bringing humble, kind enlightenment to others, he will be remembered with affection and gratitude.
68 This is the only thing Anubism offers.
69 Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. (quote)