Keeping parasites Anubistically at bay: the noble art of allogrooming
The other evening the Prophet, deep in meditation, found himself scratching his back against the door frame. And in the neighbour's garden two cats were nibbling each other's necks: with no stamps and no queues, they had just solved a problem humans haven't solved in ten thousand years.
by Grand Master Pheel — 2026-02-09
1 As we have already raved... ahem... written at length, the world is full of individuals who would do anything for power.
2 And who have no qualms about using it in the worst possible way.
3 The world's shittiness goes up, the AQL goes down... and even the rum seems about to run out!
4 As we have said before, these individuals have broken the 4 precepts so many times that they have become, to all intents and purposes, parasites, parasitoids or predators.
5 The greed of these creatures knows no limits, which is why it is essential to learn to recognise them and keep them at a distance.
6 The predator must be avoided by every means possible.
7 So far, not a drop of Anubis' drool of doubt.
But what about parasites and parasitoids?
8 How do you actually prevent them?
9 Once again the one true Dog God shows us the way, pointing his snout towards dogs and wolves.
10 The animals closest to him.
11 There is no such thing as a flea collar in nature.
12 And even if there were, it would still be a collar!
13 There are no chemical spot-on drops either, and if there were you would have to be very careful that the drops didn't cause sudden illness!
So how do dogs and wolves avoid being eaten alive by parasites?
14 First of all, with excellent hygiene: rolling in mud and letting it dry suffocates the parasites, and rubbing their backs against tree bark helps too.
15 But that is not enough: there are places that are hard to reach, and they happen to be among the most delicate.
16 This is where allogrooming comes in.
17 The art of helping another animal get rid of its parasites by nibbling the spots it can't reach on its own.
18 Hoping it will then do the same for us!
19 This is not just about hygiene, it is social too: dogs and wolves release oxytocin during allogrooming, which strengthens the bonds within the pack.
20 In short, everyone comes out of it not only cleaner, but closer.
21 There is, however, a deep truth we have to look in the face: it seems impossible to be 100% free of parasites.
22 However hard animals try, they will always carry a small percentage of parasites in their bodies.
23 This should not be seen as a tragedy, though.
24 On the contrary, a small percentage teaches the body how to recognise them and grow more resistant over time.
25 But careful: that does not mean going looking for them or wanting them.
26 The ultimate goal of the good Anubist is precisely to live in peace and free of parasites.
27 But, as they say, easier said than done. Especially the done.
28 The truth is that yes, it could be done, but under current conditions it would mean having no contact with anyone, producing everything yourself and living in isolation in some remote forest.
29 And even then there could be episodes of self-inflicted ballbusting.
30 We are human.
31 All born with the potential to become the biggest dickheads alive, or to have the highest ears of all.
32 The good Anubist accepts that parasites are inevitable and sets his life accordingly, knowing that he will always have to make sure the number of parasites never goes over the critical threshold, while always aiming for zero.
33 But what is the highest percentage of parasites a body can host before it is compromised?
34 In general, a host can tolerate losing resources (blood, nutrients, energy) up to 10-15% of its basal energy budget without permanent damage.
35 A parasite tends not to go beyond this threshold because, if it wants to keep feeding for a long time, it has to keep its host alive.
36 The parasitoid is another matter: it has no qualms about draining its host completely, as long as its larvae survive.
37 We are talking about a creature that aims for at least 50% of the resources and has no intention of stopping there.
38 Its only goal is for its offspring to go on existing.
39 Let us not forget it.
40 So the parasitoid naturally tends to evolve into a predator.
41 The good Anubist tries to spot these creatures by setting an alarm bell at 10% of resources drained.
42 For all these reasons, the Anubist's balls tend to be thoroughly busted.
43 The vast majority of states demand far more than that figure.
44 Between direct and indirect taxes, it is estimated that the Italian parasitoids, for example, comfortably claim between 40 and 60% of our resources, condemning us to perpetual ballbusting.
45 This is why, over time, the good Anubist, directly inspired by the Dog God, has started practising allogrooming himself, trying to protect his fellows from parasites and parasitoids.
46 For instance, by reminding them that no one has ever seen a parasitoid spare its victim.
47 On the contrary, it has been seen tricking its victim into thinking it is a benevolent presence, so as to extract even more resources.
48 Or by pointing out that parasitoids tend to distract attention from their draining, by inflating the human dickhead and getting it to bark at its own kind.
49 “It's you Gins' fault we're in this mess!”
50 “What are you on about? It's obviously you Pins' fault!”
51 “Yeah, but only because your grandparents started it!”
52 And on and on with the barking, instead of getting on with the allogrooming, while the parasites carry on multiplying in peace.
53 So, dear Anubist, if there is one lesson to take home from this rant, let it be this: “A barking dog doesn't nibble.
54 So it doesn't groom.
55 And in the end it dies of parasites, along with the one it was barking at.”
56 And speaking of death by parasites, the release of certain files is causing quite a stir these days.
57 For many it is news, but for the Anubist it is only further confirmation of what we have always talked about.
58 The Prophet and the Grand Masters recommend protecting your ears from this kind of pollution.
59 Awareness of bestiality and of parasites is essential, but it risks becoming a poison that lowers both AQL and ears, cutting us off from Anubistic enlightenment.
60 So they invite you to read the whole affair as part of a war between different kinds of parasites, each fighting for a few litres of our blood.
61 They add that none of them has any interest in stopping.
62 Not on the right, the left, the centre, at the top or at the bottom.
63 And history teaches us that, even starting out with the best intentions, even those with the highest ears end up turning into parasites once they are handed unchecked power.
64 Let us say it once more: the human dickhead cannot be eliminated.
65 It can only be kept in check, by avoiding the situations where it is most likely to show itself.
66 Taking too much power is one of them.
67 So what we can do is, once again, a little allogrooming.
68 The Prophet and the Grand Masters hope for a world where we keep each other's parasites in check, instead of teaming up to help our favourite parasite win.
69 We are a social species, and we often live in large numbers in small spaces.
70 Which means that anyone carrying parasites will pass them on to others.
71 And in the long run, they will end up in our own coat too.
72 Because a hungry parasite always starts its meal by eating its own promises.
73 Not to mention that switching parasites after only 3-5 years doesn't give the body time to adapt.
74 Ears up, Adept: may they be well protected and free of parasites, and may your AQL always be high.
75 Signed, Grand Master Pheel
76 P.S. One last piece of advice.
77 You might think parasites and parasitoids are the real danger.
78 But no human parasitoid has ever been seen pulling off its tricks without solid, widespread consent from the Dim Souls.
79 Ears down make people easy to manipulate through fear, until they accept the unacceptable.
80 In our experience the Dim Souls are far more dangerous than the parasites: they act as repeaters for messages of terror, making the ears of Adepts and Enlightened alike droop.
81 So keep your ears up, and if you hear someone barking about how being parasitised is the price of a quiet life, you will know it is the right moment for a few adorations.
82 If you want to enlighten yourself further, consider getting a copy of the Sacred Tome.
83 It doesn't guarantee you any paradise, let's be clear, but it will teach you to bust your own divine spheres a little less and to prick up your little ears.