The Genesis of Anubis: the one true Dog God

Many are the legends about the birth of Anubis, but the most credited appears to be the following. In ancient Egypt the great Sun God Rha, one...

by The Prophet — 2026-01-15

In Italian, Dio cane — dog God — is an everyday shout of fright or fury, and a blasphemy. The god of this religion takes his name from exactly that shout, which is why the story below turns on it.

Many are the legends about the birth of Anubis, but the most credited appears to be the following.

In ancient Egypt the great Sun God Rha, one afternoon, got the horn.

The Goddess Hesat happened to pass by, depicted by the Egyptians as a woman with the head of a cow.

Needless to say, Rha jumped her and, Hesat's head being what it was, she could not resist the sight of the Sun God's many rays. Rha decided their child would take his name from the first thing Hesat exclaimed after the coupling.

Thanks to the heat of the Sun God, the Cow Goddess turned into a pot roast. When she caught sight of herself in a mirror she took fright and cried out: “Dog God!”.

And so Anubis was born, the one true Dog God, who through his own manifestation gave rise to the great flowering of Egyptian culture.

It is no accident that the Egyptians' development and their astonishing scientific knowledge remain unexplained by humans to this day: the idea of Anubis was behind all of it.

Unfortunately the Egyptians, too busy building pyramids, misread the true meaning of the Dog God and worshipped him as god of the dead and guardian of tombs, painting him on sarcophagi and inside pyramids.

Anubis was not pleased, but he put up with it.

The Egyptians first depicted him as an actual Dog God, and Anubis put up with that too.

Then, during the New Kingdom (1550-1000 BC), Anubis was depicted as a human with a dog's head, which later became the head of a “jackal”.

Needless to say, at that point Anubis had had it up to his canine balls. For a Dog God, being likened to a human is bad enough; being likened to a human with a jackal's head is understandably intolerable.

Unlike the gods of the various superstitions, Anubis, the one true Dog God, did not make a great fuss about it; no floods, no lightning, no torture.

Anubis simply went off to mind his own business, retiring to Tibet, sick of the fucking Egyptian heat and of the ballbusting human.

The human was indirectly punished by going back to barking with a dick for a head, because only the Divine Dog-God Presence makes it capable of reasoning and of speech.

This is why Egyptian civilisation, as everyone knows, went rapidly and inexplicably to shit.

Later, among the dickheaded humans, in the absence of the illuminating Dog God, great superstitions took hold.

Given how widespread the ignorance was, it was easy enough for somebody to impose deities on everybody else.

Later the “Roman Church” stole the God of the Jews and announced he was the father of Christ, and the Christian religion was born.

Religion teachers still tie themselves in knots explaining how the “one and unchanging” God managed to be a vengeful bastard before Christ and, after Christ, the God of love.

In any case there was no Patent Office back then, so the Church paid no damages for what remains to this day the greatest theft of intellectual property in human history.

The inventors of the various superstitions knew Anubis was the one true Dog God and, knowing his great power, did everything they could to stop humans ever naming him.

To be on the safe side, the managers of the superstitions decided that worshipping Anubis was “blasphemy”, and forbade it to humans.

Terrified of the power Anubis has to light up human minds, even States passed laws forbidding, and still forbidding, that he be named in public.

And so most western humans spent many years in the deepest ignorance, slaughtering each other to establish a superstition.

Fortunately, after a good while, Anubis, having inspired the Buddha on how to reach his enlightenment, decided to take a tour of Europe to see how far the line of the barking dickheaded human had got.

There the keepers of the superstitions, sensing the presence of the true Dog God, decided to repress with great violence anyone who felt the enlightenment of Anubis.

That is how the dark period known as the Middle Ages came about.

The clerical barkers labelled as sorcerers “those who think with their own heads instead of following the precepts of the Church”.

By that definition the sorcerers should have been running the place; instead they were killed. Great was the surprise of Anubis on watching them murdered.

Anubis thought that perhaps he should not have minded his own business and left humans to cultivate their dickheadedness.

For centuries humans, the religious ones in particular, held that the Earth was the centre of everything and that all the stars went round it. Copernicus proposed instead that the Earth went round the Sun, and Galileo backed that view with his observations.

Having watched assorted humans bark that the earth was the centre of everything and force Galileo to recant, Anubis understood that human dickheadedness had become infinite.

Even the famous exclamation “And yet it moves” was falsified. What he actually said was: “It moves, Dog God!”.

When humans finished slaughtering each other over religious superstitions, they started slaughtering each other over ideological ones, which are substantially the same thing.

Humans with infinite dickheadedness failed to notice that the priests had turned into politicians and were still telling them heaps of lies to keep them at each other's throats.

The communist against the fascist, the red against the black; “right” and “wrong” replaced the old lies about good and evil.

At the same time, for want of anything better, somebody invented black, red, white and yellow so that people could slaughter each other over the colour of their skin, without noticing that all humans are the same, with the same dick for a head.

To all this ignorance the twentieth century added the arrival of television, where the barking dickheaded human reached his full splendour.

Everyone competes to bark on television, and plenty cannot wait to listen to all that yapping. Finally, with the arrival of the internet, the grip of the various powers on human dickheads weakened, and that is why Anubis chooses today to manifest himself in all his Dog-Godliness.

P.S. Since writing this bollocks illuminating truth required the Prophet to study a good deal of history, the adept gets a “Historical footnote for pedants”.

The oldest depictions of Anubis go back to the First Dynasty, so before 3000 BC, and the worship of Anubis appears never to have died out.

Anubis was born under the name Inpu, probably from the word “inp”, meaning puppy.

The best known depiction of Anubis is the statue found in Tutankhamun's tomb (which is not in the pyramids, as many imagine, but in the Valley of the Kings), dating to around 1300 BC, where Anubis guards a chest “of secrets”.

Around the first century, in Greece, the cult of Hermanubis appears, born of the syncretism of Anubis and Hermes, the Greeks having noticed the two had the same functions.

The ancients had already worked out that Anubis was not merely a funerary god. The figure of Hermanubis records the attempt of Hellenistic philosophy to reinterpret Anubis as a guide to knowledge.

Modern Anubism considers Hermanubis a historical manifestation of the search for Anubistic Enlightenment, while keeping its distance from the syncretic constructions of the Roman age.

In the territories where the first Christian communities arose, several depictions of Anubis have been found. After the Council of Nicaea (325 AD) the Roman Empire tried to impose what had been defined as Christian orthodoxy.

Archaeological and historical evidence nonetheless confirms the persistence of the cult of Anubis at least until the sixth century AD. Curiously, the martyrdom of Saint Christopher is traditionally placed between the third and the early fourth century AD.

Some scholars have suggested that the figure of the dog-headed Saint Christopher may have absorbed iconographic elements traceable to Anubis and Hermanubis.

The name Christopher means “bearer of Christ”, but in some ancient eastern traditions the saint was depicted as cynocephalus, that is with a dog's head, in a form strikingly close to that of Hermanubis.

In Gallarate, in northern Italy, Saint Christopher is still celebrated on 25 July as patron of the town, even though his memorial was removed from the general liturgical calendar of the Catholic Church in 1969.

At this point it is plain that there is a dog in the woodpile: there are several theories as to why a man with a dog's head ended up among the Christian saints.

The Prophet, as always, prefers the simplest explanation: after Christianity took hold, the worshippers of Anubis did not stop venerating the Dog God but helped transfer some of his features into the figure of Saint Christopher.

Let us not forget, incidentally, that Anubis keeps turning up in films, comics and video games, though he is often turned into an evil deity, losing his original nature as protector and guide of the dead.

In one form or another, Anubis has been keeping the human imagination company for over five thousand years.

P.P.S. Since, despite thousands of digs, no archaeologist has yet managed to find the birth certificate of Anubis, the Dis-Order of Anubism arbitrarily decrees that his birthday falls on 25 July.

Any coincidence with the traditional feast of Saint Christopher is of course entirely accidental. Or perhaps not.

Let us recall that, perhaps not by chance, in a period which in some eras fell towards the end of July the ancient Egyptians celebrated the rising of Sirius as the sign of the new year and of nature's rebirth.

In Greek and Latin, Sirius is called the Dog Star. Anubism reads that coincidence as a symbol of the renewed manifestation of Anubis, not because the Egyptians celebrated Anubis on that day, but because every rebirth of light is worthy of Anubistic Enlightenment.

Any complaints regarding the Dog God's date of birth are to be submitted directly to Anubis, preferably in triplicate and accompanied by suitable archaeological documentation.