Anubistic Metaphysics and Ontology

Humans, every last one of them born a dickhead, have historically busied themselves inventing gods. Then they racked their brains over how to define...

by The Prophet — 2026-01-15

Humans, every last one of them born a dickhead, have historically busied themselves inventing gods.

Then they racked their brains over how to define the relationship between the god of the day and humans themselves.

Where is god, how does he show himself, how can a human conceive of him, is he immanent or transcendent, and so on.

Luckily Anubis has finally revealed himself in all his splendour: the one true Dog God.

Being the true God, he is logically both transcendent and immanent. Anubis is transcendent because he “is”. But Anubis, being the true Dog God, minds his own fucking business and does not care about the human “in itself”, exactly like any real God.

He gets pissed off only when human antics start busting his balls.

Neoplatonically, the Idea of Anubis does not belong to the human: it is the human that partakes of the Idea of Anubis. And the cockroach, the kangaroo and every other living thing partake of it in exactly the same way, because the human “in itself”, to Anubis, counts for nothing.

Anubis is immanent because every living thing partakes of his Idea; he is transcendent because he coincides with none of them and, above all, because he minds his own business.

Jung observed that the contents of the unconscious tend to surface on their own in emotionally intense moments, and that this surfacing carries meaning.

Nobody teaches children to worship Anubis. And yet the Dog God turns up on his own precisely in the moments of greatest emotional intensity.

If Jung was right that what surfaces spontaneously from the unconscious carries meaning, then Anubis is not a cultural invention but a content of the collective unconscious.

And if he is a universal content of the collective unconscious, then he does not come from the human but precedes the human. From which it follows that Anubis is the one true Dog God.

Every human partakes of the Idea of Anubis and carries within the possibility of recognising it. Out of that possibility comes the liberating idea of the Dog God.

Schopenhauer had already worked out that the individual is not the centre of reality but only one of its manifestations. Anubism agrees entirely: the human is not the protagonist of the universe but one of the many animals partaking of the Idea of Anubis.

Schopenhauer stopped one step short of the conclusion: that universal principle is not a blind Will, it is the Dog God.

In this sense Nietzsche was wrong when he said God was dead, meaning the human had been left to its own devices. He was wrong on that alone: on plenty else, as we shall see, he saw far.

God is alive and he is a Dog. Only, being real and not invented by humans, he minds his own business.

The human, in its metaphysics, feels the need to invent a God to give meaning to life by way of a meaning for death.

Busy inventing and refining gods to that end, it never noticed Anubis; it missed the very being of the Dog God, which has nothing whatsoever to do with the human.

The human was born by pure chance, exactly like the crab louse and the platypus; it would cross no God's mind to create a creature so appallingly ignorant and so relentlessly ballbusting.

If a real God ever did fancy creating something for his own amusement, he would think of a couple of hamsters long before the human.

From which it follows that, unlike the superstitions, Anubistic metaphysics is disarmingly simple: the existence of the universe, of nature and of the human all have a very simple explanation.

In the beginning there was Anubis, minding his own business, gnawing on a big bone and couldn't have given fewer fucks about anything else.

He gnawed and gnawed until the bone snapped, and the divine balls of Anubis started to spin.

Anubists accept the Big Bang as the birth of the universe, with one important amendment. In the beginning there was not one mass, but two: the balls of Anubis.

Spinning and spinning, the balls heated up until they exploded.

Out of the great explosion came the universe, where the metaphor is plain enough: the ballbusting is infinite.

Their speed cooled the fragments, and from one of them the Earth was born by chance. On Earth nature was born by chance and, within nature, by pure chance there appeared the crab louse, the platypus, the hamster and, unfortunately, the human as well.

All of it by pure chance, because Anubis was busy looking for another bone.

The Anubist rejects every attempt to make the human eternal and leaves that to the superstitions.

The Anubist knows he is nothing but a chance encounter between a sperm and an egg, and that his human end will be worm food, fertiliser, or both.

The only “purpose” of an Anubist's life is the happiness that comes from the Enlightenment of the Dog God and from steadily reducing the ballbusting.

From which it follows that the Anubist does not fear death, he fears non-life: life without a Dog God, which leads straight to brain death.

There is no salvation. You will end up worm food for certain, so don't waste your time letting somebody else tell you how to behave.

Worship your own Dog God. Don't bust anyone's balls, and about the rest you may cheerfully not give a fuck. Anubis has been doing it since the beginning.