Anubistic Glans-Earthism
As the fourth precept says, the good Anubist shuns ignorance...
by The Prophet — 2026-01-15
1 As the fourth precept says, the good Anubist shuns ignorance.
2 The good Anubist keeps himself informed, weighs the information and files it away pending further analysis.
3 But let us come to the title of this rant of this chapter: what is Glans-Earthism?
4 The Prophet had only just been born when someone said they had been to the Moon.
5 Why, after busting the Earth's balls so thoroughly, humans should go and bust the Moon's balls too is beyond understanding, but anyway, that's how they said it went.
6 Many years have gone by and the Prophet is by now a doddering old fool all grown up, and he has never been hooked on the subject, so he just reads whatever comes through the mainstream.
Let's start with a recent piece of news:
7 China disputes India's claim to have landed its probe, which according to Chinese observations crashed during the landing.
8 Let's go back a bit... the Russian probe that was supposed to land on the Moon failed, by the Russians' own account.
9 Let's go much further back, to an interview with the famous ultracosmic Italian astro-star (gossip says she had a fling with Mazinger Z) in which she said the next goal was to fly around the Moon so as to observe its hidden face.
10 Apart from the fact that if it's hidden you should Anubistically mind your own fucking business, did we really go to the Moon with computing power that was less than a hundredth of an average mobile phone today, and now we can't even send a probe there any more?
11 It's the suits' fault... the Prophet read. What the fuck is going on?
Have they gone out of fashion?
12 Can't they get them in “slim fit”?
13 Or we can't go back because, they say, “we now place greater value on the lives of astronauts”... but has a single moonwalking astronaut died of illnesses caused by the trip?
14 No?
15 Well then.
16 You are slaughtering hundreds of thousands of people in wars for purely economic interests, and the problem is the sacred lives of astronauts?
17 Some say the problem is “that kitchen foil isn't what it used to be”, and this is the most credible reason.
18 The Prophet does not want to get into the row over whether you have been taking the piss out of us for 50 years, but believe me, just following your news coverage he is rolling about laughing, while adoring Anubis, of course.
19 Then again maybe you really did land on the Moon, and to be believed you are telling a pile of badly told lies, but the fact is the result is a real disaster.
20 Now it is easy to understand why there are people who no longer believe a single thing you have told us, and who even argue about the shape of the Earth... some say it's round and some say it's flat.
21 The Prophet recently discovered that they are both wrong.
22 Anubis, ever merciful, came to the Prophet's aid after a bottle of rum with a night-time "enlightenment".
23 In his vision Anubis took the Prophet on a trip around the Earth and the Moon: the Prophet was able to “see”.... he understood!
24 The truth revealed itself in devastating simplicity!
25 Everything added up with sublime clarity... the Earth is shaped like a Glans!
26 While the hidden face of the Moon is an arse face!
27 The Moon modestly never shows her buttocks!
28 It wasn't hard to work out!
29 That's why they can't land on the Moon!
30 When the Moon sees a space suppository coming, she clenches her cheeks, partly out of fear and partly out of shame, and the probes get all screwed up!
31 The shape of the Earth also explains why, to Anubis' great wonder, “human dickheadery is infinite”.
32 And so the Prophet, very proud of his discovery, became a Glans-Earther: the Earth is not a terraqueous globe... it is a Terraqueous Glans!
33 The Prophet guarantees the Anubists that if they treat themselves to a nice bottle of rum meditation, inspired by Anubis, they will reach the same conclusion.
34 Let posterity (and the lunar posterior) be the judge!